Riva Capellari

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Located in Brookside in the heart of Kansas City

“Why Can’tThis Be My Life”?

I asked myself, at least in my head, not that it mattered either way as I live alone and no one else would have heard it even if I had said it aloud. My schedule was rather empty of clients those first 2 weeks of January because of COVID rearing its big head again. I cancelled, they cancelled. It left me with loads of time to do all kinds of things I enjoyed. Longer walks, visits with my neighbor, hovering over a brand new 1000 piece puzzle, trying out new recipes, even doing laundry. It really felt nice. Not that I wouldn’t eventually want to get back to some type of work, but for the moment I really did contemplate why I just couldn’t choose to live this way all the time.

I still struggle with the idea of revenue. Not how much necessarily, but just having some rolling in. Along with re-embracing my theory that anything I make over zero is success, I am also patiently waiting for my other new concept to be absorbed and accepted. The idea that I schedule appointments monthly, not weekly. Using the whole month as my playground, some weeks loaded, others more sparse. Thinking of income as yearly, not monthly. Waiting til the end to see how I did.

Some days I excel at being in that place. Other times, I angst over the low balance in my check book even though I just have to transfer money from my savings account and all is good again. Casting myself into the future when I will be doing other revenue producing activities, arriving at a more lucrative (or not), steady (or not) stage. One however, that will be tempered with my usual irratic income syndrome as a self-imployed, self-propelled person. None the less, the future always brings change, forward or backward, up or down.

In the meantime, I retreat into my annual “wintering”, closing out the dark chill of winter, dwelling more often in the inner interior of my mind and life. Sometimes I just past through, other times, I look around to see what is still there and what I need to purge to make space for new memories, new adventures. I know that spring will come, life will go on with or without me, forging ahead into future time, a continuum we can’t stop or reverse.

So I console myself with moments of deep awareness and suspended time. Where there is no room for the ticking away of the day or the rushed anticipation of tomorrow. In fact, in those moments of slowed silence, time has no limit or power over my life.

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